Confession: I’m reading a dating book.
Disclaimer: I got it at a white elephant exchange.
But, I am actually reading it. And I like it. In addition to offering insight into dating relationships, the book also addresses relationships in general. It’s called Boundaries in Dating by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. In the third chapter, after discussing the importance of surrendering the relationship to God, Cloud and Townsend continue:
“The alternative to surrender in dating is idolatry. Though dating is a good thing, we can commit idolatry by demanding that dating bring us the love, fulfillment, or desire we want without allowing God to point the way. Dating brings up powerful emotions and needs, and so idolatry can become a reality” (51).
So true. Dating, marriage, friendship, community... relationships with people easily become my idols. And I’m not even dating anybody. But I often think, oh, if I only was dating this person or hung out more with that friend or joined this group of people, then I would feel less lonely.
The evangelical subculture doesn’t help much. Singles can be seen as not-yet-married persons. People often ask if there’s a man in my life. Nope. That’s my one-word response; I don’t have much else to say on the topic. I’m single now and may be forever. I don’t ask my married friends if their marital status has changed (and I pray that it won’t), but I’m often asked if my single status has changed. There’s almost an assumption that it should change. If you’re an awesome person, then someone will be attracted to that awesomeness and marry you.1 Maybe. Or, maybe you can use that awesomeness to draw others’ attention toward the giver of that awesomeness (which Christian married persons can do as well) and invest in His people.
I know that most who ask if I’m dating someone are asking because they care about me and what’s going on in my life, and it’s not the only topic we discuss. However, it does seem to reoccur terribly often and is almost the default question when we can’t think of anything else to ask. We can easily become obsessed with marriage and romantic relationships.
Understandably, our U.S. pop culture is obsessed with sensuality, and we (well, most of the people who are reading this blog) live in that culture; thus, we often christianize sensuality into its biblically-approved context of marriage. Since life is meaningless without sex and romantic passion, let’s all get married asap so that we don’t miss out! Momentarily ignoring my mockery, this is somewhat biblical: “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:8-9). But, as any married person knows, marriage involves more than sex. Yet I often forget this. I want to be known, to be loved. Sex is intimate. Therefore, I often idolize sex (within marriage) as the key to being known and loved. However, sex (and by extension, other expressions of intimacy and community) is not about fulfilling my needs. It’s about being fully present for the other. For sex in particular,
Intimacy depends on the willingness to give of the self, to place oneself in the hands of another, to be vulnerable, even if that means we may be hurt... jealousy is the emotion required by our willingness to love another at all. Indeed, I suspect that part of the reason the church has always assumed that marriage is a reality that is prior to love is that genuine love is so capable of destruction that we need a structure to sustain us through the pain and joy of it. At least one reason for sex being limited to marriage... is that marriage provides the context for us to have sex, with its often compromising personal conditions, with the confidence that what the other knows about us will not be used to hurt us (A Community of Character, 181).
For the single person, we are also called to be fully present for the other and not shy away from the demands of intimacy. Celibacy is not about independence. Singleness is not about forgoing responsibility and fleeing the demands of community. No, all Christians are dependent upon others, and ultimately, dependent upon God.
We must not confuse creature and Creator. I must flee from thoughts that center around myself. Marriage exists for my needs to be met. Sex happens so that I can feel known and loved. Flirting with that cute guy makes me feel desirable. Flee. Flee. Flee.
Instead, knowing God and who I am in relationship to Him must be the core of my identity.
At this point, I must apologize to all married and single persons reading this. I do not wish to make anyone feel guilty for asking me if I’m dating someone. By all means, feel free to ask! Chances are, if I’m actually dating someone, you will have probably already heard about it through the grapevine or I may actually mention it myself since it’s a reasonable life change to mention to someone who cared about me. But I’m also ok with making you feel a little guilty for expecting all single people to get married or inadvertently suggesting a superiority of marriage over singleness. Sometimes, marriage seems viewed as a sign of adulthood, implying a deficiency in those that never marry or perhaps marry later in life.
“Marriage is not the default. Neither is singleness.”2 Both are beautiful expressions of the Christian life.
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1A variation on this message has also been perverted to promote abstinence. If you save sex for marriage, then you’re both guaranteed eventually to get married and to have mind-blowing sex that will be worth the wait. Funny how we use sex to sell abstinence. For more perspective on this topic, check out Dr. Christine Gardner’s book Making Chastity Sexy: the Rhetoric of Evangelical Abstinence Campaigns. (She’s a Wheaton communications professor.)
2Dr. George Kalantzis. Dr. K is a Wheaton Bible & theology professor who led a breakfast club last year with me and a handful of others... perhaps the highlight of my senior year. We read Stanley Hauerwas’ A Community of Character, which quickly found a home in my favorite books’ list and may poke its head into future blog posts.
